Proper Etiquette for Travelers When Groped by a TSA Agent

by Zoltan James

Disturbing news has been growing of late concerning TSA agents overstepping their bounds while searching airport travelers who refuse to step through those search detectors that allow unseen agents in dark rooms see you buck naked.

It seems that more and more agents are inappropriately groping passengers and the act has become quite uncomfortable for law-abiding citizens, not to mention a massive public relations problem for TSA.  I now think I know why this problem exists.  You see we lack any formal rules of etiquette on both sides and therefore a misunderstanding has taken place.  Imagine if we had no rules for eating in public.  It would be sheer chaos.

Please remember, TSA agents have an important job to perform.  They are simply trying to protect our safety.  They are searching for odd items or weapons of mass destruction that you might be concealing on your body, such as Uzi machine guns, death star lasers, cannons, pipe bombs, nuclear centrifugal machines, shoulder-to-air-launching missiles, blasting caps or dynamite plungers.

Now that we’ve identified the problem, here are some proposed rules of engagement, shall we say, for those who choose not to enter the all-seeing tunnel of detection and tilt toward the risk of being groped in public:

IF YOU’RE A FEMALE PASSENGER

Best not to wear wire-enforced bras.  Just go bra-less the next time you travel.  It will save you time and the work of your friendly TSA agent will be that much more enjoyable.  Nine out of 10 male TSA agents enthusiastically recommend this.

IF YOU’RE A MALE PASSENGER

Best not to try and sneak fruit on the plane by stuffing them in your pants.  You might look good, but this will send up red flags and soon you’ll have three female TSA agents wanting to check you out.  In this case, expect a long search and plan on having to catch the next flight.

IF YOU’RE A GAY PASSENGER

And, if you get a TSA agent who is of the same sex as you, please try not to giggle.

IF YOU’RE A SENIOR CITIZEN

Remember:  Your cane is a dangerous weapon.  Leave it at home.

IF YOU’RE A MIDDLE EASTERN MAN/WOMAN WEARING HEAD COVERINGS

Go straight to your terminal.  No one will bother you.

AND NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE

It’s never proper to cut back in line for a second round of groping.  And, under no circumstances should you clap your hands and say, “Wow, that was fun!  Now, it’s my turn.”

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Make every hour your happy hour!