More Confessions From an Ordinary Guy — Part Nine

by Zoltan James

1. I’m proud to announce that I just published my first e-book.  This follows on the heels of successful award-winning sales of my a-book; b-book; c-book; and d-book.  Available where ever fine books are sold.

2.  I’ve joined the mainstream and adopted zero tolerance for everything and anything.  That means I shall not tolerate anything that smacks of being Anti-social or Social.  Anti-establishmentarian or Establishmentarian.  Pro or Con.  Black or white.  Left or Right.  Diets or Exercise Programs.  Nada.  Zilch. Even for people who advocate zero tolerance. . . Oh. . . wait. . .

3.  Several years ago I boldly started out on the path to prosperity with my neat knapsack on my back and a trusty map with signposts to fame and fortune.  The path was well-paved with good intentions, but not well marked.  I believe I may have taken a wrong turn.

4. Not too many people know this but I once lived in a glass house in Laguna, California overlooking the wide Pacific.  The design was visionary.  It had very clean lines.  It was a stones throw from downtown Laguna.  (No jokes please).  Anyway, I eventually was forced to sell, because I couldn’t afford the year’s supply of Windex.

5. For the record, I do not condone the hanging of participles.  It’s against the law and a crime against innocent readers, it is.  Sorry.

6. I like to rely on my own wits, so I don’t have much patience for artificial intelligence.  As a case in point, at my local college of knowledge, last month, I met an esteemed professor of AI.  His name was Hans Waddunowinski.  We were hobnobbing at a party of his peers, all bookish-nebbish-geeky-types with bad haircuts.  Most were wearing well-worn sweaters with fuzzy little balls hanging off their sleeves, like Christmas ornaments.  Well, this particular professor and I had a nice chat over a cheap glass of wine and a plate of stale crackers and dry cheese wedges.

While he was, no doubt, smart as a whip, I found him to be contrived.  Once he started in on sub-symbolic algorithmic problem solving and sensorimotor skills to higher reasoning, I threw up my hands.  I had heard enough of his mish mash.  Then, this robot, masquerading as a human servant, stopped by with a plate of hot stuffed mushroom appetizers.  Then I thought to myself, now we’re talkin’.

7.  I used to wrestle with my thoughts.  But, not any more.  It just got out of hand and I had to stop.  You see, at one stage in my life, whenever a miasma of thoughts entered my brain, I immediately went mano-a-mano with my mind.  I would shave my head, oil my body, slip on my one-piece black spandex wrestler’s suit (the kind with the high cut around the groin and the single shoulder strap), then I’d lace up my black hightops, enter the ring, and we’d go at it.  Sometime for hours on end.

One day, I came out of the ring, all sweaty and bruised, but victorious, mind you, and my wife-to-be, caught me.  “Dang it, Zoltan,” she’d fuss.  “You been wrestlin’ with those crazy thoughts of yours again, ain’t ya?”

“Well, yeah,” I found myself admitting somewhat sheepishly.  “How’d you know?”

“Your hair.  It’s gone!”

“Yeah.  So?”

“Dang it to all,” she’d say while stormin’ around in circles.  “Today’s the day you were gonna meet my parents.”

“Yeah.  So?”  I said again.

“Well, just look at ya,” she said with tears startin’ to crawl down her pretty face.  “What’d you suppose they’ll think?”

“Well, gosh.  I dunno.  But, I’ll shower and shave and all.”

So, I saw how this wrestling with one’s thoughts got her upset and so, at that moment, I decided to quit.  I went cold turkey.  Now, I let her do all the thinking for me.  Life is sweet.

# # #

Be well.  Remember confession is good for whatever ails you.  And, if that doesn’t work, I recommend tequila on the rocks.

Make every hour your happy hour!


1 Comment

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One response to “More Confessions From an Ordinary Guy — Part Nine

  1. Bob Scott

    When are we going to do “coffee?”
    I’m currently wading through Ken Follett’s latest “Fall of Giants.” Zoltan looks better on the jacket than…..Jim. But seriously..what about coffee.?

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