Tag Archives: Steve Martin

Quotes Trying Very Hard to be Famous


Image by bioxid via Flickr

by Zoltan James

I’ve often thought it would be the height of respect to see myself quoted in an article, or someone’s book, or listed in “best quotes” section on the Internet for all eternity to see. So, I thought I better go to work and make up some quotes to equal the likes of Einstein and Shakespeare, or even Steve Martin. Therefore, I have decided to share with you my first quotes and you have the distinct reward of reading them here first — before they become famous.  Enjoy and feel free to quote me — and often.  Just please spell my name right.

Home is where your house is.

Your house is where your property taxes are mailed.

A parked car gets you nowhere.

If you read one book, you’re pages ahead of where you started.

If you live in an earthquake zone, there’s no need to take dance lessons.

Count your blessings on your cell phone’s calculator app.  It goes faster.

If you’re going to go to war, wear a helmet. But, if you’re going to ride your bicycle, check your local laws.

If you buy a Mayan calendar, make sure the month of December has all 31 dates.  If not, be sure to ask for a discount.

Civilizations without language do not cuss. (Think about it). Civilizations without beer have no fun. Ergo, civilizations that cuss and drink beer have lots of fun.

Once a week, I recycle a bag of newspapers and every day a new one shows up on my driveway.  I think I’m losing this battle.

If you race an analog watch against a digital watch, one is sure to come in second.

Why is that we can tell time by looking at our cell phones, but we can’t call Aunt Aggie on our wristwatches?  Talk about behind the times!

The man who goes to work wearing a suit and a matching conveyor belt will go far.

The world would be more efficient if the same person who conducts a train also leads the symphony?

The person who locks up a piano must carry a ring with 88 keys.

If you carry a bucket of water to your horse, then there’s no reason to lead.

I think that if serious math requires logical thinking, then funny math should require comical thinking.

It has been proven that two negatives make a positive; ergo two democrats make a republican. (Feel free to turn this around, but don’t quote me)

Anyone involved in an accident caused by someone else driving an electric car is subject to assault with a battery.

People who live in energy-efficient brick houses should not throw low-e argon glass.

People who read thrillers are thrilling. People who read romance novels are romantic. People who read mysteries are mysterious. People who read poetry are poetic. People who read the Bible are biblical. People who read the federal budget are. . . well. . . we don’t know. . .for they’ve not yet been found.

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Remember. Make every hour your happy hour!


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