More Confessions From an Ordinary Guy–Part Six

By Zoltan James

1. Last night my wife and I were kidding around and I cracked a smile.  I bled like a stuck pig.  Four hours and seven stitches later, we left the emergency room.  She said my face looked like Frankenstein.  Without moving my lips, I muttered, “Don’t make me laugh.  I’m not going back.”

2. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I like to exercise caution.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, I work on my abs and lats.

3.  The contrarian that I am oft leads me into troubled waters.  For example, just the other day, despite the most astute legal advice, I made an a priori assumption and tried my best, as a matter of law, to judge a book by its cover – but, found it impossible.  I could find no legal basis by which to sentence it.  Turns out, the defendant in question had already been sentenced.  Many times over, I might add. This led me to believe that it’s true.  You can’t do it.  No matter how novel your approach.  Admitting defeat, I turned the page and moved on.

4. Where I live, the weather is pretty monotonous.  For example, the forecast for today is expected high social pressure with periods of low humility.  Tomorrow, more of the same with a 30 percent chance of measurable reciprocation.

5. Last Friday, my wife called me to remind me that we had been invited to a Tea Party that evening.  My first reaction was, “Cool.  Guess it’s time I get involved.”

She said she would go straight from work and meet me there.

An hour before the party, I put on my new “Don’t Tread on Me,” T-Shirt and clean blue jeans and headed out the door.  When I arrived, the white-haired hostess, in a long glitter gown, greeted me coolly at the front door.  A tuxedoed butler stood by stiffly with a wooden tray. I noticed to my chagrin that everyone was dressed in business casual and semi-formal wear.  A string quartet played Mozart on the patio.  She pointed to the butler’s selection of samples and offered me choices of Black Tea, Green Tea, Oolong Tea, or Lemon Zinger.  Despite the haughty stares from the well-heeled guests, I chose the Zinger.

Be well.  Remember confession is good for whatever ails you.  And, if that doesn’t work, I recommend tequila on the rocks.

Make every hour your happy hour!

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “More Confessions From an Ordinary Guy–Part Six

  1. Smyze

    Jim: Your “comments” ALWAYS make me feel better – a little more “normal.” All the best, Smyze

  2. Been there, done that with a grease rag hanging out of my back pocket, blamed it on car trouble.

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