More Confessions from an Ordinary Guy — Part Five

By Zoltan James

1. At a party this weekend, among close friends, I was accused of using a polysyllabic word.  I felt so discomfited, so discombobulated, and so small.

2. The other day I joined a new social media site online.  It asked me to create a profile, so I did.  But, I deleted it because I thought it made my nose look big.

3. The other night I reluctantly went to a party full of psychics.  You’d think they would have sensed my energy before I got there and would have avoided me, but none did.  Anyway, I really didn’t want to go and was in a foul mood by the time we got there.  The event was full of dark, mysterious women – lots of big hair, beads and feathers and they wore odd-smelling essences of dogwood bark, or dandelion, or some such.  Some were beautiful in a gypsy-sort-of-way and others…well, let’s just say they could have used a Jenny Craig consultation.  Anyway, after a few drinks, I got into a heated discussion with one of them.  We argued back and forth.  I held my ground.  She held hers.  The madder I got, the more jovial she became.  This frustrated me to no end and just added to my foul mood.  So, finally, I struck a happy medium.  She didn’t see it coming.

4. I just pitched a TV show idea to a Hollywood producer.  The concept is a reality show about cartoon characters, you know where bachelor roosters sit around in hot tubs and cavort with hot chicks.  I was really animated in my presentation.  I’ll let you know if it gets picked up.

5. I finished a new novel late last night.  I’m a bit nervous about telling anyone about it yet, only because I don’t want to get my hopes up too early.  The plot line is pretty simple.  Here goes:

Boy (Perry) meets girl (Mary).  Boy falls in love with girl.  She introduces him to her brother (Barry).  Boy (Perry) falls in love with brother (Barry) and dumps girl (Mary).  Girl (Mary) goes off the deep end and moves to San Francisco for a sex-change operation.

Brother (Barry) goes to San Francisco on business and meets sister, who is now a boy (with new name, Gary), and falls in love with boy (Gary) not realizing his new love is really his sister (Mary) in a boy’s body (aka Gary).  I know, it’s scary.

Meanwhile, boy (Perry) discovers he was adopted and goes to LA to find his real father (Larry) who plays “Harry” in a sit-com about two farmers who own a dairy.  The show is called, “Harry and Terry’s Dairy.”  Anyway, boy (Perry) is happily reunited with good old dad (Larry), who, unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on your point of view) is never around and so boy (Perry), who’s no ordinary huckleberry, subsequently falls in love with his dad’s fourth wife, a young trophy bride (Carrie).

But, it’s a happy ending as boy (Perry) and trophy bride (Carrie) marry and move to Tucumcari, where they wile away the days and nights and make merry on the prairie and raise two wonderful kids (Sheri and Jerry).


P.S.  I sure hope this is a big hit like Harry Potter.

Be well.  Remember confession is good for whatever ails you.  And, if that doesn’t work, I recommend tequila on the rocks.

Make every hour your happy hour!



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5 responses to “More Confessions from an Ordinary Guy — Part Five

  1. Bob Irwin

    This one’s a hoot Z J, you must have been up all night on the word site, keep em coming, thier getting better .

  2. Bob Irwin

    This one’s another hoot, keep them coming.

  3. Miryam

    These are a very funny and kudos for your amazing punability. My dad and brothers love making puns and this is about as close to what I grew up with as I have ever experienced. Keep em going. You are bringing laughter to many.

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