More Confessions from an Ordinary Guy — Part 4

By Zoltan James

1. Today I pushed the envelope.  I was rewarded with the mother of all paper cuts.

2. Last Saturday, I was next door at my neighbor’s house and he started in on me for not returning his Black & Decker power drill (which I had borrowed in June of ’09).  I promised him it was not lost.  I assured him it was in my garage. . .somewhere.  Not to be outdone, however, I berated him for allowing his broken water sprinkler to flood my front lawn.  I complained that I now have more mushrooms growing there than grass.  Anyway, things escalated to the point where one discouraging word led to another and I finally threw up my hands and said, “I’m through.  I’m outta here.”

His lame rejoinder was. . .yeah. . . get this creative come-back. . . He says, “Well don’t let the screen door hit your a#& on the way out.”  He has this odd way of speaking in symbols when he’s upset (but that’s another story for another day).

Anyway, so, just to spite him, I let his creaky old, moth-eaten screen door hit me.  And you know what?  It didn’t hurt all that bad.

3. I’ve decided that kindness doesn’t pay.  The other day I befriended a homeless guy on Facebook.  Now he’s hitting up all my friends for donations.

4. Today I coined a new word — neologoism.  It’s akin to “neologism” which is a term to describe words that only having meaning to the people who use them.  Ergo, neologoism, means that logos only have meaning to those people who create them.  Got paid 50-cents for that one.  That’s real coin.

5.  Last night I fed my ego.  It was starving. . .for attention!

6.  Speaking of food, I started feeding my curiosity three squares a day.  Don’t know why, but it appears that it’s putting on weight.  It’s got me curious.

7.  After years of searching, last Friday night at midnight, I finally found Waldo!

8. I don’t know about you, but I still can’t get my ducks in a row.  Every time we go to the lake they refuse to follow orders.  All they want to do is dive for fish, swim in circles, or just float and peck at their feathers.  Keeping their attention is a lost cause.

9.  The other day I sat through a very contentious meeting, someone (whose identity will not be revealed) gave me a left-handed compliment.  Being left-handed, I accepted it as such.

10.  I’ve been studying philosophy of late and have formed a new credo for myself:  “I am hungry.  Therefore, I am.”

Be well.  Remember confession is good for whatever ails you.  And, if that doesn’t work, I recommend tequila on the rocks.

Make every hour your happy hour!

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3 responses to “More Confessions from an Ordinary Guy — Part 4

  1. Just an ordinary guy with a great sense of humor! Thanks for making me smile, Jim!

  2. How blessed you are with such wit and talent, and how blessed I am to be included in your list of admirers and one that appreciates your gift. You are one that takes the time to write it down, and then shares. Keep them coming. Fern

  3. Bob Irwin

    Gotta go, time for my happy hour and read my E-mail

    Cheers from Castle Rock

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