By Zoltan James – March 1, 2010 — Scientists recently uncovered what are now known as “The Lost Commandments.” Professor Malachi McElhenny, an archeologist and expert on Hebraic hymnals and Talmudic tools, and author of I Think My Jewish-Irish Roots are Showing, recently came across what are now believed to be the famous “Lost Commandments of God.”
While on expedition at Mt. Sinai in June of 2008, Professor McElhenny tripped over an ancient rough stone. When he uncovered the piece, he discovered hundreds of other shattered sections, all crudely etched in Hebrew.
A long-held myth is that Moses descended from the mountain with more than Ten Commandments. As the legend goes, Moses had grown weary and bleary-eyed from having looked at and talked to a burning bush for what seemed an infernal eternity. The burning bush, of course, was God, and God etched the tablets of stone with his finger. He commanded Moses to take the tablets down off the mountain top and read them to His people.
Many hours later, as the legend goes, Moses wandered down the steep mountain. His cloak caught on a rock outcropping, or branch, and he fell. Unfortunately, the vast majority of tablets he was carrying tumbled down the mountainside and were lost to antiquity. Moses felt ashamed and when he arrived at the bottom to address the Israelites he didn’t have the chutzpah to tell his people that there were originally many more commandments. So he only read the remaining ten to the masses.
Now we know the real story. After extensive computer analysis, carbon dating, and careful translation by Hebraic scholars, the so-called “Lost Commandments” have been added to our consciousness, nomenclature, and to our Judeo-Christian code of ethical and moral standards.
Speaking at a news conference in London, Professor McElhenny said, “This changes everything. It gives us a new window into the soul of God. Some of these sayings might be considered commandments and others new guidelines by which to live our lives. Whatever you call them, they are certainly mystical. I’m sure these will be analyzed and debated by religious scholars for many years to come.”
The professor said because the tablets he found were broken in several pieces, it’s too early to know for certain the actual order of these “Lost Commandments.” But, for now, they read as follows:
11. Thou shalt not say Good God, for that is redundant.
12. All you need is love. Love is all you need.
13. Whenever you call me, I’ll be there.
14. Dance like nobody’s watching. Of course, I’ll see you, but it will be our little secret.
15. I created you in my image. Just know that I changed my mind. Your days are now numbered.
16. Contrary to popular belief, I am not in Heaven. I just vacation there.
17. Have no fear for I am always with you. Unless, of course, I’m in Kathmandu.
18. Yes, I, too, have bad days. Telltale signs are earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes and pestilence. The good news for you is that I always feel better the next day.
19. Trust me on this. Some day, lawyers will call this “Acts of God.” Duh. There are risks involved. Life is a risk. Deal with it. Check with your insurance agent to find out if coverage is available in your state. .
20. Chicken soup is good for the soul and for whatever ails you. God, I miss my mother’s chicken soup.
21. People are dying to find me. Believe me, you will too some day.
22. Working is good for you. Playing is better. Sex is best. Oh yeah!
23. Whatever you are, be a good one.
24. Take a walk on the wild side. But leave your good shoes at home.
25. I created dogs to be your best friend. Dump the ugly hamster for My sake.
26. I created the heavens and the earth and the mountains and streams, forests and trees, rivers and valleys, beaches and islands, and oceans and seas and glaciers and whales and all kinds of cool do-dads too numerous to mention here. Leave it the way you found it. Am I understood?
27. I am good. But there is evil in the world. Deal with it.
28. I chose you. You’re on my team. If you don’t want to play, it’s your loss.
29. My apple will make Newton, the Beatles and Steve Jobs famous. Go figure. This will all make sense to you later. Much later. Just remember, I made the apple.
30. Life is a highway. Choose your exits carefully.
31. If you want to fight wars in my name, that’s fine with me. But you must win, or else.
32. You want to cuss? Go ahead. Just use your own name, dammit.
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